from now on my penis is your penis
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
