Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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