how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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