I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
