forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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