i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
