What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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