Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
