im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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