A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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