Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
