I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She even gives head with a lisp.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
