Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
