All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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