I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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