This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
