I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
