i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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