I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
