good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
