its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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