Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
