i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
