what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
