I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
