i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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