its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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