I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
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I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
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She's not a foreskin expert like you
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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