So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
