I faked an abortion last night.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Your penis caused this!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
