You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
