i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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