APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
