Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
