I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
