mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
