My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
