I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
