Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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