I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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