i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
