Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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