He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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