There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
