just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
