i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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