You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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