i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
