if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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