I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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