I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Dignity is for republicans.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
