My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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