Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
