i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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