haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
