If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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