I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
